


Comedy Without Laughter

by snowballjane (spycandy)



Category: Warai no Daigaku | University of Laughs (2004)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-21
Updated: 2011-06-21
Packaged: 2017-10-20 15:20:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/214163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spycandy/pseuds/snowballjane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Can military training be funny?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Comedy Without Laughter

_The following papers were taken from a Japanese prisoner held at Cowra POW camp, Brisbane in 1943 and translated by [name redacted] of Australian intelligence. Although they were not held to contain any useful military information, the letters and scripts were filed as a curiosity. The translator's notes indicate that they were in poor condition when taken and the oldest papers had obviously been carried around for some time._

Scene 1: A training camp

A group of brand new recruits is on parade. Their commanding officer YAMAMOTO struts comically to and fro correcting their hopeless posture and feeble salutes. Whenever his back is turned, two recruits KATO KANAME and TANAKA HARUKI are clowning around, imitating the commander's mannerisms, to the poorly concealed merriment of their fellows.

As Sgt Yamamoto swings around to face the pair, they both snap to full attention – their stiff salutes are exaggerated and absurd, but the sergeant can find nothing to criticise.

Sgt Yamamoto: Harrumph! What's your name, recruit?

Kato: [shouting with over-the-top military enthusiasm] Kato! Sir!

Yamamoto: What were you before Kato?

Kato: A Baker! Sir!

Yamamoto: Looks to me like you sampled too many of your own wares Kato.

Kato looks dismayed.

Yamamoto: Don't worry recruit. There will be no cakes to tempt you here. In a few weeks, you will leave this camp a soldier.

Kato looks even more dismayed...

 

Dear Sakisaka-san,

I hope that – if this letter was ever sent – it would find you well.

Here at the training camp, it rains all the time. Today we practised running in mud and when we were too tired to run, crawling in mud. At least it rains so hard that there is no need for showers. If I stand still for long enough, the mud washes off again.

Already a new comedy is taking shape in my mind. It is set, naturally, in an army training camp. Ah! I already see you scowl. “The Imperial Army is not a fit subject for comedy!” you complain. And I would be tempted to agree with you, for it is difficult to see the funny side of this life when every single one of my muscles aches and even the blankets I sleep under are damp. But here, as everywhere, there are human foibles and absurdities and even army recruits can sometimes find the time and breath to laugh.

So I have my heroes. They are not really cut out for the role. A baker and a music teacher, they are not born warriors and no amount of training will make them champions of the battlefield. They are not unusually clever or unusually good, but I hope that they are funny. When I am running, running, running, I can imagine their pranks and schemes to dodge these endless exercises.

I hope one day to place their antics in front of you, Sakisaka-san, and to see you laugh.

Yours sincerely,

Hajime Tsubaki

 

Scene 5: Inside the mess tent

Tired men in uniform are queuing to collect their meals. As each man shuffles forward and is handed his bowl, he makes a wry face and sighs, before sitting down in silence.

Enter Tanaka and Kato, laughing.

Tanaka: Did you see his face?

Kato: I thought I would explode trying not to laugh!

Tanaka: We're going to struggle to top that one. What's for lunch?

Kato: [as he accepts his dish] Mmm, delicious chicken tatsuta!

Tanaka: Ha ha! And for dinner there will be Kobe beef. Oh, what I wouldn't give for a real steak.

Kato searches the rice and barley mixture and eventually holds up an unidentifiable lump of meat between chopsticks.

Kato: [melodramatically] No mother! Don't hold me back! I go now to die for the steak of my nation!

Tanaka: Unless it kills you first...

 

Dear Sakisaka-san,

Although I do not expect to ever send you these letters, I will observe the proper formalities. So, I send you my best wishes for your continued health and success in your work and I tell you that the rain finally stopped and a weak sun is making a feeble attempt to dry out our tents.

I can run further now and faster and carrying a greater weight upon my back. If anyone attempted to beat me up again, I believe that I could perhaps make a fair showing.

There is little time for writing. I can no longer work through the night because every evening I fall onto my bedroll, asleep almost before I am fully lying down. When I do find time to put ink to paper, I find that I am reusing old jokes. But at least they are good ones! Remember – 'for the steak of my nation'?

Yours sincerely,

Hajime Tsubaki

 

Scene 7: The training camp

A queue of recruits are being handed letters and parcels by Yamamoto.

Kato: What do you have there Tanaka?

Tanaka: [ripping the paper] It's a parcel from my wife. Homemade socks! Clean, dry socks without holes in.

Kato: What a wonderful woman.

Tanaka: There's a letter too. She is well... the cucumbers are growing huge... the neighbours' children get noisier... she misses me... [he sniffs and stuffs the letter into his pocket, then starts to unlace his boots].

Yamamoto: Recruits! Inspection!

Tanaka pulls on his new socks. They are a strange mixture of colours and different lengths, but he grins widely as he yanks on his boots and runs to form the parade.

 

Dear Sakisaka-san,

I am no longer certain that I am writing a comedy. The play is filled with clowning and absurdity and there is no doubt in my mind that many of the scenes are very funny indeed. But what is at stake here is not the romance of foolish young lovers nor the antics of small-time criminals.

Although you are my imagined audience, I know now that I will never dare to send these letters, and if I must write for myself alone, I might as well tell the truth. There is absurdity here, for certain, but it is dark and too cruel for the comic stage. A man – a respected schoolteacher in civilian life – was badly beaten today for failing to properly salute an officer. He was so exhausted he could barely lift his arm! How could you show that to people who have paid to be entertained? But if I leave it out, evade the brutality and sadism, then the play will be a farce. And a lie.

Scene 12:

Yamamoto swishes his bamboo cane through the air. The recruits stand in front of him, some shuffling nervously.

Yamamoto: This equipment was left out in the rain and is now ruined. In the army, ruined equipment could get you or your comrades killed. Here it will get you punished and you will learn not to do it again. Whose equipment is this?

YAMADA steps forward. Yamamoto swishes the cane again.

Yamada: It's mine sir.

Kato [aside to Tanaka, as the beating begins]: He's going to kill him.

Tanaka: We should do something. Yamada's an idiot, but this is too much.

Kato: Do what? Do you want to be beaten too?

They stand looking guiltily complicit until the beating is over.

Yamamoto: Dismissed!

EXIT everyone except Yamamoto. Once he is alone, he slams the cane into the nearest solid object, causing it to break.

 

Dear Sakisaka-san,

You accused me once of treating human life very lightly, creating a character merely for a one-line gag. Not any more.

When their training is complete, Tanaka and Kato must go to war. I don't know what happens next, but I know that I am afraid for them. Although they will march away with a comical skip in their steps, they are not ready for what they are about to face. Oh, Kato can run with a pack on his back now and Tanaka can clean and assemble a gun as if it were a flute. But will their jesting carry them safely through the battle to come? Alas, comedy has no such power.

But I must write quickly, for we too are to be deployed. One final joke. I had better make it a good one.

Yours sincerely,

Private Hajime Tsubaki

 

Final Scene: The railway station

The soldiers are all smartly uniformed with large packs on their backs. It is the same group of men who appeared in the opening scene, but their posture is very different. They are strong, proud Japanese soldiers. Well, all except for our two jokers, who are huddled together watching the station clock.

Tanaka and Kato: ...4, 3, 2, 1!

Kato: You think it worked?

Tanaka: Definitely. It was absolutely failsafe.

Kato: The revenge of the baker! Thank you, my friend. I couldn't have done it without you.

Off-stage LEFT a train whistles and doors slam open. The soldiers begin to file off-stage, boarding the train.

Off-stage RIGHT, Yamamoto: [shouting angrily] Kato! Tanaka!

Kato: Come on, quick!

The pair stride off-stage, grinning. Doors slam again. There are shouts of goodbye. As Sgt Yamamoto enters running, stage right, covered in flour, the train is already pulling out of the station.

As the sound of the train fades into the distance, the sergeant removes his hat and shakes some of the flour out of it. He faces stage left and salutes the departing recruits. He holds that position for a long time, as first the lights and then the curtains fall.


End file.
